I left my counselor’s office yesterday feeling absolutely awful.
It wasn’t her fault. Dr. Sarah was lovely, as always. “We’ve got to help you learn to take better care of yourself,” she said at one point.
“All I want to do is sleep,” I replied.
“That sounds like depression.”
“Great.”
I was/am feeling pretty beat up. Zack left for the other side of the world to go teach and inspire and help people. Also to shoot for Fuji in Istanbul. You know, cool stuff. It’s a constant battle between the two of us on this issue of his work.
He says, “It’s what pays the bills. It’s draining. It’s not glamorous. It’s hard work.”
I reply with, “Yes, but you get to do what you LOVE to do. You’re working with a camera in your hands. You get to work in photography.”
I am the mom. I do the mom stuff. I am told that should be enough. That to be a mother is the most noble thing. The best thing.
There must be something wrong with me.
I love my kids but I long to do more with my life. It’s hard to watch my husband walking in his talents and not feel left behind. To not feel shut down. To not wonder, “When do I get a turn?”
Maybe that’s selfish.
I’m being pretty vulnerable when I write this.
Maybe I’ll erase this.
Anyway, all of this was going through my mind yesterday. Like it does. A sort of endless cycle.
“Just hang on, Meg. In 11 years you’ll get to make a decision for yourself. Based on what you want to do. You can do whatever the hell you want. In 11 years.”
I miss my husband. I like the guy, he’s my — as Hawke would say it — “best priend”. Last night I started watching some of his YouTube videos just to hear the sound of his voice. While watching the Pro Photographer Cheap Camera Challenge I made the mistake of reading the top few comments.
Where I saw this:
The fat girl is me. I was the one walking around in the background with Alamby.
I saw that and logically knew that I shouldn’t be affected by it. But I was. Oh I was.
So I wept. Hard. And for a long time.
I had a moment of what I would call “weakness” where I shared the screen shot on Facebook. Normally I am not one to share something like that, but I did. A lot of people responded with kind words. Words that were a balm to my wounded little heart. They meant a lot to me, so if you were one of them, thank you very much.
I am trying very hard to pull myself up by my bootstraps — like I always have. Like I always do. But I am having a much harder time of it than I normally do.
I am tired. So so tired. I’ve been pulling myself up by my bootstraps since my mother died when I was 13. Taking care of everyone else. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up. Part of me wants to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep — Rip Van Winkle style — for a long ass time. Even trying to write this is hard. It feels stilted. Clumsy. Wooden.
Being a mom is hard. Being a creative mom who can’t find herself is harder. Yeah, I just said that.
I know I will make it out of this somehow; right now, though, it’s feeling pretty grim.
What are some things you do when things feel so dark? I’m telling you — I could use some insights.
Hey Sweets!
What I do sometimes when I am in that “zone” is write until I just can’t write anymore. I have a secret blog that I created right after my brother in law died. I can be anonymous there, and use it as an outlet. I haven’t written anything since that entry (time constraints) , but goodness it sure did help.
Other things I do is put on my go-to movies that I find comfort in, or put on some music that I can get lost in for awhile. I would say go make some soap because whenever I make soap it gets me out of that funk but not sure that would be something your interested in.
I hope you get to feeling better, hang in there and don’t let those folks get to you. You’re a great person, and beautiful just the way you are.
Joanne,
Who knew that when I signed up for the ill-fated UoPX that you would become one of my favourite people I have yet to meet?
Thanks for your advice. As far as soap is concerned, I think perhaps you’re right – albeit instead of making it, perhaps I shall soak in it, of the bubble variety.
Meg, my heart hurts for you… not only because you are AMAZING and it stuns me that you are feeling this way but because I am also going through similar times. I put my life on hold… to be a mom, to get a hold of my illnesses, to get better, to take care of my double amputee diabetic dad, then to grieve the loss of my Dad last year… and very shortly after he died my husband switched jobs after almost 14 years and has been gone the better part of a year… training for 4 months away from home and then he was placed into his location – an hour and a half from our home and has been working an average of 20 hours per day, 6 days per week and staying at his parents’ home so he can get at least 3 hours of sleep per night. He has barely had time to even text me “I love you too” since October. He is also doing what he loves and working really, REALLY hard for it. I get to do what I love too, just in a very limited capacity since I have to be responsible for everything else and deal with chronic illness.
I battled horrible depression earlier this winter… by far the worst I have ever experienced. I would measure my success by “The house hasn’t burned down or been condemned and my kid is fed so I’m doing okay”. I can’t tell you what exactly helped to snap me out of it (not that I’m totally out of it but I’m a LOT better), but it was like just talking about it, or actually, YELLING about it helped. I let it all out to everyone that would listen one day and the next day was better. And the day after that was better. It was as if that day of yelling about it and feeling vulnerable and sorry for myself was my rock bottom… and it could only get better from there. The past 2 weeks have been much better… my husband’s hours have been a bit less and he got 2 days off both weeks and came home for them. We actually got to spend time with him and have a conversation. Baby steps.
Meg, you, my dear, are awesome. You are kind, talented, beautiful, intelligent, you’re a kick ass mom and I’m pretty damned sure that Zack is rather fond of you.
I hope that today is your rock bottom and it gets better from here on out. Sending hugs from NY! <3
Autumn,
I am so sorry about you losing your dad and then, in a way, losing your husband, too, there for a while. I can’t imagine how awful that must’ve been. Thank you for sharing about your depression. Makes me feel a little more normal. Much love, in buckets, to you.
One of the things I do/have done when struggling is to share it with people, like you have. Also, journaling is a great outlet for me. I appreciate your honesty. I am proud of you for sharing so candidly. Being a mom is the hardest job you’ll ever do. I wasn’t as in touch with my creative side as you are/were when my kids were at home. It must be hard. You’re not able to fully flow in all of your giftings, yet I truly believe God honors your transparency and is so close to you, even when you don’t feel it.
He knows how you feel. I could smack the person that posted what they did on that YouTube video. I wouldn’t, but I could. You’ve one of the most beautiful voices I’ve ever heard, ever. Your depth is refreshing, and you are beautiful. I have another friend who, I believe, struggles as a young mom of 3 boys. It is exhausting and sometimes feels so thankless. I will pray with/for you as God brings you to mind. He sees “you”. xx I am going to share a song with you (lyrics) that I wrote about 5 months ago. I will email it to you and once it is recorded I will share it with you…even if it is with my camera.
Thank you, Brenda! I look forward to hearing your song!
I have 2 kids, I actually waited before i get pregnant, i finished college, i worked for 2 years and then had my first baby.Then i jump started my photography business, waited a whole 4 years to get pregnant again, with the second baby, all my hard work went down the drain, that 4 years that i put in myself and my photography, just was gone. Not only because i am now a mom to 2 kiddos, but also because I moved from Dubai to California, a whole new world here. I have to start from scratch. I have to wait till my son is done breastfeeding so i can actually leave the house for more than 3 hours. I am a mom, i am a wife, I see all these lady photographers that go around the world and they also have kids and they are like yeah it is very hard, we have great husbands and blah blah, and i am like, i have a great husband too, he would for sure take care of the kids if i tell him i have to go on a business trip for couple of days, but darn it, i just can’t. and then i start eating! yes thats my weakness. people go jog and run to let it all go, and i eat! i also get myself drowned in books and movies. I try to not think about that “dream” wedding that I long to shoot. I try not to think about the fact that I have paid so much for facebook ads, and my ad has been seen by 5000 people and there was only 10 clicks and no message! i sound pathetic, i know!!! anywho, I personally think you have every right to be down. your husband is gone, you have kids to take care of and oh my god, if I was half as talented as you are and not able to go BIG, I would go insane! but look at you.. people love you so much. I have never seen someone who is loved like you are. your voice, is like the sound of ocean to me. soothing, calm, and full of mystery. do cuddle in your blankets, but have your chin up. you are amazing. you are Meg! Thanks for being you. thanks for inspiring moms like me, and giving us that much of a extra boost we need, even when you are down, you are awesome. much love to you.
Atiyeh,
You’re not pathetic at all. And I hear you. I do. I know what it’s like to drown oneself in other things to distract oneself from unfulfilled dreams. My heart hurts for you. I wish for you all things bright and beautiful. Let us be an encouragement to each other! We’re going to make it!
Oh, friend. We should definitely find the time to have that coffee we’ve alluded to for a couple years now. Seriously.
This: “Being a mom is hard. Being a creative mom who can’t find herself is harder.” Good grief, I understand. I do. I’ve been fighting it pretty well for a while now, but this week I lost my balance. I’m still trying to get back up.
And knowing all the right answers still doesn’t make it right, huh?
But for reals. Coffee. Soon.
… and I think you’re beautiful.
Coffee.
Oh for expletive’s sake — YES!
Balance is hard. Lord knows I have a hard time balancing literally much less my freakin’ LIFE.
Let’s make it happen. Just don’t bring any of those glorious cupcakes you make, unless they are gluten free, or I will have to ugly cry.
Meg, you have no idea how much I can relate to this right now. I have no good advice, but you’re not alone
Just the fact that you understand helps a lot. Especially right now, when I’m all caught up in the thick of it, your words help me feel less alone. Thank you.
Meghan– first of all you are just exactly where you should be. What sucks about that is that it sucks. This is what coming to the end of yourself looks like. I know sometimes God-talk when you’re feeling like this can be annoying, but I have to say that it has taken me getting to that same place to even glimpse the possibility that giving God full access to me means getting to the bottom of myself. The guy who wrote that comment is a douchebag, duh, but what matters more is that you believe that the only “comments” about you that matter come from God and his comments are “I am particularly fond of you.” “You are gorgeous.” “You are just right.” “You are enough.” With all that said, practically, carve out some time and money for you to do what you ENJOY. Be it an afternoon massage, or a weekend away with gfriends or whatever. You’re right. You are tired and you have to demand (mostly from yourself) the time and permission to take care of yourself. Read, write, make stuff, sing. Do it all alone in a hotel room somewhere beautiful, or not, but DO IT. DO IT. I won’t take no for an answer. Go out there and kick this world in the ass with your awesomeness. Love, Cameron
Well — damn.
Yes ma’am.
Thank you so much for this, Cameron. When you said, “You are tired and you have to demand (mostly from yourself) the time and permission to take care of yourself”, you hit the nail on the head. That is what I struggle with the most. Giving myself permission to care for myself.
You are lovely.
Sweet, Meg. I think that would really suck to be called the fat girl–especially while your tired and missing the hubs. Cut yourself some major slack, my darling. You are lovely…and people are hateful. You will be okay and get through this. Much love to you. Tara (old friend from All Souls)
Hello Tara Old Friend From All Souls!
Thanks for your sweet words, they mean a lot. Truly.
Meghan;
Due to the immensity of the internet, I have not come across your blog until today (through a friend’s posting on FB). But your story resonates. I have so been there. Here are some things that helped me.
You are a woman. You need to be in community. When we are at a crossroads and ask for guidance, God will provide a guide. A woman or women of wisdom and experience: someone with expertise. Someone who understands that God loves her immensely, and so knows that God loves you, and will not judge. It is not only OK, but good for a community to uphold one of its members when that member is in need.
My mentor gave this to me: You are loved. You are blessed. You are not a bad person. There have been days when I haven’t gone any further than just saying those things out loud and trusting that in saying them, I would begin to believe them. God’s love is a vast ocean. But an ocean is awfully hard to take in. Take what you need – a sip at a time. I have a tea cup on the shelf that I take down and fill with water. I take a sip and say, “I am loved.” Another sip and, “I am blessed.” And another, “I am not a bad person.”
On a practical, physical level: drink water. It helps energy levels and concentration abilities. Maybe you already do that. I didn’t.
I also simplified my expectations about certain things I am responsible for. For example, I no longer feel like I need to come up with new, exciting meal ideas all the time. I make a meal plan (I do a month at a time, but a lot of people do a week or two). Once I gave myself permission to use just our favourite recipes over and over, there are only about 15 to 20 meals I rotate through. I know what to buy when I’m shopping, and I know we have the food to make the meals as they come up each day. No stress halfway through the day when I realize I don’t know what we’re going to eat. Again, maybe you already do this. If you don’t and would like to, there are on-line resources, or I would be happy to share my plans with you.
But all these are suggestions. If you are a person like me, who lives under a mountain of “shoulds”, DO NOT ADD THESE THINGS TO THAT MOUNTAIN. If there is something that sounds good and useful, take it. If it all sounds like too much or not you, leave it here. I’m OK with that!
God doesn’t judge you. He loves you with the same tender, passionate, consuming love you have for your child (actually more so). You are loved. You are blessed. You are not a bad person.
Heather
Heather,
So many good things here. Thank you so so much. I’m honoured you would take the time to share so beautifully! I am notoriously bad at “Adding Things To My Already HUGE Should Mountain”. I will work on not doing that.
And drinking water. The H to the two to the Oh. Yo.
“I love my kids but I long to do more with my life. It’s hard to watch my husband walking in his talents and not feel left behind. To not feel shut down. To not wonder, “When do I get a turn?””
Yes. Yes. Yes. YES. Oh, how that resonates with me. Just two days ago, my husband asked me why I don’t ask him about his projects like I used to, and I had to admit that I was jealous. I love being a mom. I chose to put my energy and time into this precious creature. I’m so lucky that my husband can take his camera and pay the bills doing what he loves, that we have the luxury of this awesome lifestyle with so much family time.
And I’m jealous. I want more. I want to be immersed in ideas and creating. I want time to write. Heck, I want time to think! Time other than 3 a.m. because I’d really rather be sleeping then. I want to hop on an airplane and go to a new city and meet cool people and make pretty pictures. And if I’m really being honest, I want to be seen and heard and acknowledged for my artistic contributions to the world. By people without scrambled eggs in their hair.
I’m working on carving out more time to feed that part of myself. It’s hard. I have no advice, just empathy. Yay for therapy. And journaling. And community. And the good parts of the internet. I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog at 3 a.m.
Leah,
You and me. We should meet.
Wanna give it a go?
I don’t bite.
At least not people.
Well, not yet at least.
Wow Meg, you just hit the nail on the head for thousands of stay-at-home moms everywhere! When is MY time to be a person again? To get the satisfaction of contributing to society?
As a former musician, now stay-at-home mom, I had to give up playing in bands, and essentially everything that defined me as a person to raise the kids while my husband works. Now I feel like I have no purpose in life. I am no longer an “expert” in my field, or a person people admire, or an accomplished or talented anything. I have no creative outlet. I am stuck in the house with kids, busy feeding, changing diapers, cleaning, rinse, repeat. And of course it doesn’t help that after kids, you gain weight. And who has time to exercise with toddlers running around? I feel like I’m physically and emotionally depleted, and in desperate need of getting back to the person I once was.
That’s what got me into photography. I would look at pictures on line, and dream that one day I’ll get to go to those places too, and create something from scratch again, like a compelling photograph. Or to tell someone’s story through images that otherwise wouldn’t be told. To do something that once again defines me as something other than a mom! As a person! I just want to be a person again! : )
I think you need to start a “workshop” for creative stay-at-home moms. We can all Skype once a month. Give us some projects to creatively express ourselves and feel like a person again. I’m in!
Michelle,
As a fellow former musician now stay at home mom – I salute you.
And the Skype idea?
Intriguing. Really and truly.
I just might do that.
You are real.
Your feelings are valid.
Missing your puzzle piece sucks.
People find it easy to hurt others from a distance.
Judging from how wonderful the above responses are , how much Z loves you and how incredible your boys are, not to mention what a talent you possess. Wow girl.
You are blessed.
With that being said, we all struggle. Love you.
Nicole,
The first four lines of your comment reads almost lyrical.
And you’re right, I am blessed. And logically I know that, which makes depression seem all the more stupid and ungrateful, which makes me more depressed. It’s a vicious cycle for me right now. It’s helpful to know that I’m not alone, though, and that I’m understood. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Many blessings to you.
I hope you know I was not trivializing depression as I am a sufferer as well. it is a horrible thing. I more wanted to relate and show you how much I care.
I think it’s remarkable you are as sane as you are ! I would drink. lol xoxo.
Meg…
Girl…I don’t know exactly how you felt when you read that (and I’m thankful for that). I am so sorry. People suck, mostly I am learning. However, over the last year of my life, a lot has changed, friends deserted, church deserted…and as cliche as this sounds…as “churchy” as this sounds, the ONLY thing that truly has and still does get me through the times when all I want to do is curl up and sleep forever is being reminded of what the Word says…the TRUTH about who I really am, f**k everyone else. I spent many years with such great insecurity, and still do struggle with it at times (more often that I’d like to admit). I realized the ONLY thing I can do is remind myself that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” “In HIS image…” that he will make “the justice of my cause shine like the noonday sun”…I know I have always hated it when people tell me things like this when I am living in moments where you are. But, allowing myself to lay on the floor of my apartment, many, many, many moments spent there, LETTING myself cry…getting all that shit out. Feeling empty afterwards. But knowing that doesn’t make me weak, it doesn’t make you weak to cry. It means you have the strength to face whatever you are feeling, you desire to change and grow and learn! And that is a beautiful thing that most people run away from. A wise friend of mine told me after I spent nearly 10 hours straight crying one day (my manager sent me home because I was freaking out my co-workers (all men)) and called her and through my snotty voice told her I felt empty now, alone, didn’t know what to do…she said, “You’ve cried! Now there is room for you to be filled with the goodness and grace. You have dealt with whatever it is that brought you to the place of tears. That is a good thing.” And I think about that all the time.
You are loved. I have not had a stranger say such things about me, but someone that I had my kids with tell me things that would make any woman insecure. It hurts. And words, unfortunately, stick. Damage that cannot be undone. My Mom has told me since I was little that you can’t “unring a bell.” Once it has been rung it goes until it stops. The sound. The echoes. You are doing the best thing…writing about it! Baring your soul! That is inspiring sweet friend.
And as far as the Mom thing goes…I cannot relate…I would give my right hand to be with my kids all the time. A couple of days off would be awesome…but an entire week and it’s as if half of my heart is missing from my chest.
XOXO-praying for peace and comfort and for you to be quietly reminded in your soul that truths you have been taught since you were a little one. <3
Meghan, I’ve been contemplating the fat thing for a couple of days and I have to speak up. Strongly put, I wish we would all get over our bodies! Name me somebody you personally know who has a happy relationship with her body. Notice I said “her.” What guy do you know who gives this a second thought? We women are too hard on ourselves. We’ve got to stop it! Meghan, there are plenty of women heavier than you who would love to have your body! Its all relative. I was lucky enough (or something) to have lost around 30 lbs. over the last year. I put on a size 4 dress and was STILL unhappy with my body. All the while thinking, this is INSANE! It’s our stupid culture, even the girls on the magazine covers don’t really look like that. How did guys get off the hook on body image? Lets figure out how to tap into that! Why are American women so hung up on this stuff? There needs to be so much more to life than this subject that American women won’t let go of. When I reach the end of life I know I’m going to wish that all the energy I have spent on stressing over how my body looks had been spent on far more significant things.
So what if some rude person in the grand scheme of the universe saw a pic and used the F word? It just doesn’t matter. He probably had a booger hanging out of his nose.
Have you ever noticed when someone posts a new pic of themselves on Facebook that, invariably, they receive posts from all their friends commenting on how beautiful they are? It just comes back to love.
We should discuss GF eating sometime. I’m there! Where and when? Love to see you, and love you!
i hear a trip to australia is good for all sorts of ills.
I like this, from the ancient Persian philospher Hafiz:
“I wish that I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.”
I stumbled upon this post quite by accident, and for some reason felt like replying. What I do when I go down the dark dark rabbit hole? Eat. Particularly pizza. So, I’m a big girl too. I don’t know about being a mom, but I do know depression. We’ve learned to live with one another. It won’t really go away. It’s always there, but it does ease. The solution? Hold on. Hold the fort by any means necessary. Even if you have to build a wall of pizzas until the black tide subsides, you must keep going. Otherwise, how will you know how your story turns out? Aren’t you curious?
Behind every amazing man is an even more amazing woman.
I am a big fan of your husband. After I saw one of his workshop and got to “meet” you I knew why he was as grounded as he seems to be. He has a strong beautiful woman as a support system.
Im 36 a mother of two Ive been married for almost 17 years. I have 15 year old son and a 10 year old daughter and Ive done the same as you have with your music. Put my dream of being a photographer on hold to raise them, love them fully. We homeschool so neither has been to public school so that has pretty much consumed my time. I love my kids, but I get the pure frustrated anger and resentment that comes with the territory sometimes. Theres no shame in admitting feelings that are there. We have to be able to name them, own them. I have no answers for you. Just a common strand in our lives. We will get there. Because we are strong, because we are mothers, and because we also have strong supportive men who love us. Hang in there. One day when you make it big you will be able to look back and see the great job you did with your kids and it will make your success all the more sweeter. You are very talented. I only just found your blog and music and Im smitten.
Kirstie
Dang it, Girl!! Do I have the chance for you!!!! WOO HOO!! Looking forward to twirling some MUSIC around wit ya’! Keep believin’ girlie!!! You’re a talented sort!!! Mama J
Hi Meghan,
I’m a fan of Z, who isn’t? Your post struck me to be very human. Not something you find on the net everyday, not to mention from the wife of someone you look up to and respect for their passion for helping others.
What do I do when I’m down? I figure there are only three things you can really do in life. Ignore, complain or fix it.
Ignore it, like the trolls on the internet and in life. Haters exists and sometimes they stumble upon your site. More so if you put yourself out there.
Complaining is good and fun and often times therapeutic. Often times it leads you to the realization of what the real problem is.
Fix it, because ignoring it or complaining about it won’t.
Figure out what you want, what’s stopping you and how you can work around with your limitations. “Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and star being positive about what could go right” – Zig Ziglar
Easier said than done I suppose, but no excuse not to start. Best of luck.
Meg, I would like to encourage you. Being a mom is hard. I know becasue I am one to a 12 year old and a 8 year old. But, I want to encourage you to be thankful that you are struggling through what is better than doing what you love. My mother is extremely successful in her career. And this year, she recieved an award for the second time in her career that most people only receive once in their career. And I was jealous. “Must be nice”, I thought to myself, “to be so appreciated at work”. I and my family (my father and my brother) have made many sacrifices as we took a back seat to her career. I had to schedule my wedding around her career!!! And I HATE my anniversary is at my very least favorite time of the year! And then I heard a small voice in my head tell me, “Be thankful that you have not been successful in the wrong things”. Because when you are successful, it is very hard to say no to the people that think you are doing such a fabulous job to say yes to the field trips, peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches for lunch, and the nights we are up with a child that gets sick. I had a mom of a teenager tell me she would do anything to go back to when her child was 8 again. So, be thankful, because in 11 or 12 years when you can decide what you want to do, you will be glad you made the choice you did and you will wish for the years back with your children. I would also suggest that you read this blog: http://www.itakejoy.com/ It is not my blog, but by a seasoned mom that has brought me a great deal of encouragement and guidance in my own motherhood. Be encouraged that you are choosing what is better even if the world doesn’t notice, your children will, and you will. And laying down at night, knowing you chose what is better and you did your best even though we all make mistakes along the way, that is worth more than 100 successful careers or doing what you love.