I want a pair.
I want to be eight years old again, up in a tree, my mother calling me in for dinner.
I am not sad anymore. I used to be so very sad.
However, I am very tired. So much so that my sleep is like that of someone starved for food, I clutch and claw at it, and still it's gone before I realise it and I'm left wanting more.
It's exhausting being this tired.
How I love to worship the Lord.
I panic at the end of leading worship, when I "supposed" to pray a prayer. I don't pray like other people pray. I have to remember that I'm leading others and so therefore need to make the prayer more accessible. But then I think, Why? I'm not praying to THEM. I'm praying to Him. And he gets me.
I think too much.
"Teach me to pray", I said, "I've forgotten how. I can't find peace of mind when I'm this numb inside. Oh it's you I'm dying for."
"Help me to live", I said, "I've forgotten how. I'm tired of waiting for something more when it's you I'm dying for."
I gave you all I could, I thought.
I gave you just a part.
I gave you what I could live without
I gave you not enough, and now I'm falling through myself again.
You have redeemed me.
I am a 28 year old strong, scared, hopeful, worried, beautiful, somewhat insecure motherless mother who wishes I had it a bit more together.